Gettin’ Aht and Abaht in Kennywood, N’at
Yinz guys, lemme tell yinz ‘bout the most epic adventure I had dahn Kennywood way. It was the season kickoff of the 13th annual Holiday Lights, and boy howdy, was it somethin’ else!
Parkin’ Like a Champ
So there I was, rollin’ up to the park in West Mifflin like I owned the place. I parked my car in the premium lot ‘cause it’s free with my season pass. Ain’t that somethin’? I made sure to remember where I parked - Row 15, Pagoda. Yinz don’t wanna be wanderin’ around like a jagoff at the end of the night, trust me.
I moseyed on up to the entrance, and wouldja look at that? The big ol’ carousel horse was all lit up like a Christmas tree! It was so purdy, I almost forgot I was at an amusement park and not some fancy-schmancy light show.
Security’s Got It Aht for Me
Wouldn’t ya know it, I got flagged for individual screenin’ at security. I didn’t even have no bag with me! I swear, it’s gotta be my belt buckle. Maybe they thought I was smugglin’ in some Primanti’s or somethin’.
After that whole rigmarole, I snagged a picture of the event times guide. They don’t give yinz a printed map no more, so ya gotta be on yer toes.
Into the Winter Wonderland
I went dahn the hill and through the tunnel under Kennywood Boulevard, and holy cow, was I in for a treat! The Kandy Kaleidoscope was lit up brighter than the Steelers’ scoreboard after a touchdown. I made a mental note to grab some goodies on my way aht later.
The whole park was decked aht in lights, and get this - they even had Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer meetin’ folks! I was late for the tree lightin’ ceremony ‘cause of that security nonsense, but let me tell yinz, that tree was taller than the Cathedral of Learning! They say it’s the tallest Christmas tree in all of Pennsylvania, standin’ 100 feet tall. That’s higher than a Primanti’s sandwich, n’at!
Shoppin’ and Hoppin’
I took a quick lap around the park, tryin’ to figure aht what I wanted to do first. I popped into a gift shop, but it was mostly the same ol’ stuff they had during Kennywood’s summer season. I did find these cute little headbands, kinda like them Disney ears, but for kids with noggins smaller than a pierogies.
Noah’s Ark: A Holiday Twist
My first “ride” of the night was Noah’s Ark. I went right into that whale’s mouth like I was Jonah or somethin’. All them animals inside were dressed up for the holidays. It was cuter than a basket of kittens wearin’ Steelers jerseys! They don’t let yinz take pictures inside, so yinz’ll have to see it for yerselves.
Eatin’ Like There’s No Tomorrow
By this time, my stomach was rumblin’ louder than a Thunderbolt car on a wooden track. I headed over to Parkside Café, and as soon as I walked in, I saw a bakery case that coulda made a grown man cry.
They had some fancy holiday specials, so I went all aht. I got me some broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl and a turkey dinner that woulda made my gram proud.
Now, I ain’t no food critic, but lemme tell yinz - that soup was hotter than Sidney Crosby on a breakaway. Five stars, no doubt. The turkey was a little dry, but they drowned it in gravy, so no complaints here. Four stars for that one. And get this - I couldn’t resist that bakery case, so I grabbed a peppermint lady lock for dessert. It was so good, it coulda brought a tear to Myron Cope’s eye. Five stars, and that’s puttin’ it mildly!
Ridin’ the Coasters
After fillin’ my belly, I headed over to the Jackrabbit. It might be the oldest coaster in the park, but it still packs a punch like Rocky Bleier in his prime.
It was colder than a Yinzer’s heart after a Steelers loss - about 48 degrees and misty. That double drop hill had me yellin’ louder than Mike Lange after a Pens goal!
I thought about ridin’ the Racer too, but between the chill in the air and them tight restraints, I decided to save my tushy for another day.
Meetin’ Rudolph
Next thing I knew, I was face-to-face with Rudolph himself! I felt like a big kid, but hey, yinz only live once, right?
The Spirit of the Season Show
It was almost time for the last “Spirit of the Season: Holiday Celebration” singin’ show. While I was waitin’, I took in all them purdy decorations. It was like someone took all the lights from the Strip District and put 'em in one place!
Before the show, I grabbed another treat and some hot chocolate. I got me a peppermint flavored fried s’more on a stick. It was like a regular s’more, but they dipped it in funnel cake batter and deep-fried it. Talk about a heart attack on a plate! The stick was about as useful as an umbrella in a hurricane, though. Four stars for that one.
The hot chocolate was warmer than a Primanti’s sandwich fresh off the grill, but it wasn’t nothin’ special. Three stars, and that’s bein’ generous.
The Spirit of the Season show was… well, it was somethin’. The crowd was smaller than a Pens fan’s patience during a losing streak. Them singers tried their best to get everyone goin’, but I think everyone was too busy tryin’ not to freeze their tuchuses off. One of them singers, though - she had pipes that coulda put Christina Aguilera to shame!
Wrappin’ It Up
As I was leavin’ the show, I caught the tail end of “Parker’s Dance Party”. It was clearly for the little ones, but I got a picture of all them characters on stage. It was cuter than a Sheetz parking lot full of puppies!
I took in a few more holiday displays before headin’ to the old Penny Arcade for the massive model train display. It was more detailed than my gram’s stories about the old days in the 'Burgh!
With closin’ time approachin’ faster than a Letang slapshot, I made my way back to Kandy Kaleidoscope. I couldn’t leave without some of that world-famous Kennywood fudge!
I snagged me six pieces of fudge to take home. Let me tell yinz, if you think Disney’s fudge is good, this stuff’ll knock your socks off! It’s so good, it deserves seven stars outta five!
And just like that, it was 9 PM and time to head home. I said my goodbyes and headed back through the tunnel, my pockets full of fudge and my heart full of holiday cheer.
So there ya have it, folks - my epic adventure at Kennywood’s Holiday Lights. It was more fun than a Steelers tailgate and Pirates fireworks night combined! If yinz ain’t been yet, what’re yinz waitin’ for? Get dahn there faster than you can say “Kennywood’s open!”
, it had fizzled to cold…
and Rudolph 